Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Randomize
