I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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