Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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