guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
sarcasm needs its own font
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
