Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
