I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
