After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
