she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
