we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
