You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
