I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
