There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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