I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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