My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
