I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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