This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
