I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
