Your dad touched me again.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
