R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
