i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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