She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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