i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
