You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize