Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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