You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
