I don't remember. Are we still dating?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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