Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
