ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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