When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
