yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
