She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize