You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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