I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
