Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
