FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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