Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
