I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
