u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
