I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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