Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
