we're chasing vodka with high fives
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize