every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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