I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
