Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize