He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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