I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
