Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
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