she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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