I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
