I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Randomize
