You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize