3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
