I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
