ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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