"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
