At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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