I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
