At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
