No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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