DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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