I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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