no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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