Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
