I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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